just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
