Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
God, I missed his penis.
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