My sheets look like a crime scene.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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