And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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