So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she peed on how many people?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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