dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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