if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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