tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
