I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
