I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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