he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
