Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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