you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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