I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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