Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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