Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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