So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
