New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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