A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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