dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I have aggressive nipples.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
