im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
