My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
