I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
