Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
