Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
