She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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