O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
