The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Houston, we have a blender
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
