There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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