He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
