I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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