Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize