I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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