We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
