Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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