Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
