you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
