Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
