I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize