Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My penis needs a shock collar
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize