ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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