did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
