I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Let's get the cat blown out
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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