mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize