You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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