your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
