I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
