Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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