Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
