I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
