It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
