i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
