I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
