the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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