then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize