It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
