I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
